My Social Media Anxiety
My goodness I want to say I’ve felt guilty for not showing up here, or on social media, but the truth is, once I got over feeling like that and made a clear decision to take a break - I’ve felt nothing but relief. Not to mention the hours of my life and time I’ve got back, from not being on my phone!
I feel like I’m back in balance.
I can honestly say to my kids - no, you can’t go on my phone, it’s not a toy.
You see my phone had become my greatest sense of pleasure, and distraction, my favourite toy. I would watch Netflix while at the same time be on my phone using Trade-me, Pinterest, and Instagram.
”Double screening”, my husband and I joked.
I especially loved Instagram, I found so much inspiration and wonderful new ideas there - I lost hours in that world.
But then I started to notice my heart was racing whenever I clicked the little Insta or Facebook icon.
Despite this I kept going - I certainly wasn’t listening to my body’s wisdom.
I had started running a social media plan - what I called Fertility February (even when I highlighted that I had the thought “omg I should link to that so that people can watch it” - because this is the web social media traps you into) - anyway, the idea was basic - a new post and story everyday, related to women’s menstrual cycles and fertility - and honestly, I thought I was going to have a break down.
The time it was taking out of my life, to think about what to write, how to write it in a way that made sense, what would be relevant to the women I knew…….and then actually creating it all in canva and posting it at just the right time and in just the right way, it was insane - I was often up until midnight or later getting things sorted.
Thinking to myself - “gosh I hope no-one notices the time I post this, or the bags under my eyes, because then they’ll know that I’m not actually getting to bed on time. Then they’ll know I’m a fraud - telling them all to take care of themselves, telling them they should listen to their bodies, and here I am treating my own intuition and body like rubbish.”
I was turning on cartoons as soon as the kids got home, so I could get shit done on my phone.
I was telling my kids “just wait 5 minutes babe, I’ve got to get this done!” And of course 5 minutes would always turn into half and hour or more.
Any spare moment was spent on my phone, checking likes, checking comments, reaching out to others on socialmedia.
I’ve thought about writing to you often, to explain all this, but somehow even doing that felt like pressure.
I could feel my chest tighten just looking at someone else’s profile.
But finally, here I am. Coffee and chocolate, on a friday afternoon, the last day of school before the holidays, dropping you a line - enjoying the chance to write and sit in the sunshine.
The truth is, I had been struggling with social media and the pressure to perform for a while - it crept up on my slowly over time…….
I noticed the photos I took were strategic, I’d stopped taking photos of my life and my family for me and our photo albums - and shifted my focus to at least getting one good picture a day that I could share on social…..
Hmmmmm, how could I make my life look more interesting on instagram? How could I take photos of the kids - in a way that hid their faces, but showed their awesomeness - should they even be in my feed at all? And should I use a filter? How much to share? Am I over sharing? Does this picture match the rest of my feed? Am I on brand? Did I remember to give credit to that other profile for sharing their image?
I was getting advice left and centre about what I should and shouldn’t include in a facebook group, a group chat, an instagram post, stories, a blog post. I felt totally overwhelmed.
So I just stopped and dropped everything.
And I’m not sorry.
This summer we bought our home.
We’ve been renting since returning home to NZ after 8 years overseas, and we’d been telling ourselves “It’ll take years before we have enough saved to get back into the market” .
Turns out we were wrong. It turns out- that when we put our minds to work (in more ways than one) - we could totally buy the home we had our hearts set on.
It’s a 1970’s bach, that needs a ton of work - but we love it.
It’s in a town we love.
It’s close to people we adore.
It has a garden and room to plant some fruit trees.
It’s the house my son was born in.
The climate is amazing.
It’s sunny and warm and feels like home.
If you’ve bought a house, you know that it takes a lot of paper work, and time with lawyers and banks.
So I devoted my time to buying our family a home.
I also took a regular job - because the bank wanted me to have a predictable income - seeing as we were rather creative in getting our mortgage.
Don’t worry I’m still a life coach - but you can only catch me on certain days now.
So what I’m really saying is - this is where I’ve been.
This is why you haven’t seen me for a few months.
I know this is small stuff.
But I also know that I’m not the only woman who has struggled with feelings of anxiety and stress and pressure when it comes to life, motherhood, business, marriage, health, weight……..and SOCIAL MEDIA.
So this is a post to you to say…..
Hey - Sorry it’s been so long, I missed you, I missed our conversations, I missed our connection.
I hope you can understand and forgive me.
You might not see me everyday on social.
But I do think about you, and I do care.
I might not always be on brand - whatever that is.
I might be socially awkward.
But lets talk about our lives and share our real stories - not to show off, or even be seen, or show up on the algorithm - lets just be real women who support each other.
Because honestly - what is the point of Instagram?
I really don’t know.
How will I use it in the future?
I really don’t know.
I’m just taking my time, noticing what feels like a step in the right direction and moving that way.
It’s easy to turn your brain off when you look at instagram, or facebook - but l don’t want to turn my brain off.
My brain is such an important beautiful part of my body, I want that gorgeous piece of me functioning in the highest capacity possible at all times.
So here I am.
On my webiste.
Telling you about me.
What’s new with you?