Are you blaming someone else for your suffering?

I hate her.

Have you ever thought that about someone?

My girlfriend was telling me how much she hated another person.

It’ basically went like this - “she’s so mean, I hate her, she’s so unfair, she shouldn’t yell at me, she’s a bully……”

Thoughts are funny things, we don’t even pay attention to them and yet they’re always happening. We think them all day long, without even noticing them……

I love to pay attention to what I’m thinking.

Why?

Because I know that my brain is my most powerful tool.

If I don’t pay attention to what I’m thinking - all hell can break lose.

I can find myself thinking things like; “I don’t know what to do” “It won’t work” “It’s too hard”
These thoughts sound true to me when I think them…..but they don’t help me, they keep me stuck and going around in circles.
Oddly, I’ll I find that I don’t know what to do, nothing works and everything’s hard.

So why would my friend think “I hate her”?

Thinking that you hate someone, gives you a (false) sense of power. You think it because you don’t know what else to do. You think it because you’re trying to bolster yourself. You think it because you feel like a victim in some way.

When we think thoughts - our thoughts create feelings.

For my girlfriend, thinking “I hate her” - well that brought up a whole bunch of emotions……. Anger, hurt, upset, shame, irritation, frustration, annoyance. (Just to name a few!)

And you know what? Those feelings made her act a certain way…………

In this case, it caused my friend to hold a grudge, only be polite and not kind, roll her eyes at the other person behind their back, zone out when the other person was talking, wish that the other person would disappear, justify her hate by focusing on all the things the other person was doing wrong.

You know what results she got from thinking this way?

Nothing changed, she and the other person remained locked in battle.
She spent her days feeling angry, upset, and hurt.
She continued to go around and around in her head, wondering why the other person hated her so much.

After a lot of discussion, it boiled down to this………

Does thinking the thought “I hate her” (which my friend swore black and blue, was absolutely true - she did hate the other person). Does thinking that thought, make you feel good or bad?

My friend had to admit it made her feel bad. Tight, and heavy, and like she wanted to punch a hole in the wall.

And then I asked her -
“Does thinking that thought help you or hurt you?”

She admitted that actually, it was hurting her more than helping her.

Thinking “I hate her” was keeping her up at night, it was making her feel upset, it was stressing her out, and causing her to feel unsure of herself. She was floundering.

Thinking “I hate her” actually didn’t hurt the other person at all - it only hurt my friend.

My girlfriend thinking “I hate her” had zero impact on the other person’s life.

It was ONLY hurting my girlfriend.

So why would she keep thinking it?
It was making her own life a living hell???

That’s when we got the giggles……Seriously WTF?
Why on earth would she sit around thinking “I hate her” if she was making herself feel like crap?
We both laughed at the nutty thought. We laughed at how true it had seemed, and how ridiculous it now was.

Sometimes you just need your friend to poke around in your brain (metaphorically speaking of course), and pull out some of the crazy thoughts you have, that are keeping you stuck.

Why would you choose to be in pain?
Why would you choose to think thoughts that make you crazy?

I don’t know if this is of any use to you at all - but I’ve been thinking about it all day, and just had to share - in case it helps any of you.

Be cool.
Don’t hate.
Share the love.

Kate image.jpg
 

P.S. Yes I really do have a friend that this all happened with. She wasn’t just a “Friend”. But yes, you’re right, I can think of someone I’ve been hating on and can totally apply this to in my life.
I get by with a little help from my friends.

Wanna have an amazing month?

Mindset Monday